Sickening Statusi and Tank Top Tools

Blogging is for squares. I, however, am exempt.

I have two things to whine about....I mean.
Blog about.

BLOG POINT NUMBER 1:

Everytime I see a girl's status that says,
"So happy :)" or
"Tonight was a good night (:"

That is 100% of the time related to a boy. Whether the boy talked to them, hung out with them, proposed to them, whatever. It's about a boy.

And I think they need to man up, and tag the bro in it. Seriously. I will give you two examples. One that is acceptable. And one that is not.
I just watched Fight Club, so these are the names I shall use.

Acceptable:
Had a great night with @Tyler Durdan(*) and @Marla Singer! So happy! :)

*--Tyler Durdan is the reason you are happy.
(In actual status use, do NOT use the asterisk or footnote...retard)
Also, you are probably Edward Norton, and you are probably a schizo. Nbd.

Unacceptable:
OMGZ I HAD THE PERF3CT N1GHT!1!11! @Tyler Durdan* knows why ;) :)

*Tyler Durdan will be freaked out. Especially with the use of that winky face.
(Again, in actual status use, do NOT use the asterisk or footnote...retard.)

So, please. No more mysterious, girly statusi. I'm gonna be sick.

BLOG POINT NUMBER TWO:

Tuesday morning, I arrive at school at 7:35am. A boy catches my eye, wearing a tank top.
Now sure, I've seen plenty hipster boys in their tank tops, skinny jeans, and toms, in Grandview, or concerts.

Not. At. Blue. Valley. Highschool.
These boys wear football jerseys and basketball shorts.

So I brush it off. Thinking, "That kid's a tool. Lolol."

Then I see another.
And another.
Then five.

8 boys wearing tank tops.
The more I count, the more I see. It's 4th period, and I've counted 18 tank top tools.

I am disgusted. They are not hipsters. They are not folk.
They are trying too hard, and ruining this hipster look for me.

I think to myself, "Well. What a weird coincidence for them all to wear a tank top today. It's gotten a bit hotter, but not by a whole lot. Those kids are tools."

I may have voiced the above to the girl next to me.

She turns to me and says,
 "Emily, it's tank top Tuesday. Every Tuesday the boys wear tank tops."

Long story short, Tuesday is now my least favorite day of the week. And if I see that you are participating, I will not speak with you.

Peace out, bros.

life a public schooler?

first day of public school was easy.
second was even better
third was even better.
who knew that there existed a place where people actually LIKED their school? where people were taught by teachers who KNEW what they were teaching?
this place is called blue valley high.
and ladies and gents,

its a great day to be a tiger <3

shhhhh

yeah, im not supposed to be on the computer right now.

shhhh.

dang, i miss being narcississtic. when you dont have a fb, twitter, or blog, your life become about doing REAL things. creating REAL memories, that dont all have to be posted on the interwebs.

i like it.

i was on fb all da time. allllll the time. always posting funny things that happened, or things that were going to happen.
now, i just let them happen and im happpppy with the HAPPENINGS.

so a hiatus from social networking is a plus. whodathunk?

but besides not being an internet nerd, being grounded blows. blows hard.

summer should be.....interesting.

politically incorrect?

i am watching the village.

you know, the amish people, the lies, the scary red people they don't like to talk about.

and i realized something.

adrian brody plays one fantastic retard.

no matter how terrible and politically incorrect that sounds, it's true.

i mean, sure he was fine as a jew in the pianist, a sensitive man in king kong, but he was just OKAY.

then he goes all retard, and suddenly he's the best part of the movie.

i guess what i'm trying to say is....

i would like to be a really good retard.

acting, of course...

funny joke:

"Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy."

a genius

mitch hedberg, happy early birthday.

"i think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and i wouldn't even care. i can't imagine five years from now sayin, 'dang*, remember sesame seeds? what happened? all the buns are blank!'"

"but i got to smoke fake pot with peter frampton, that's a cool story. it's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like peter frampton. i've done that waay more."

"i saw this wino, he was eating grapes. and i was like, 'dude, you have to wait.'"

"mr. pibb is a replica of dr. pepper, but its the bullcrap* replica, cuz the dude didn't even get his degree! why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?"

"they say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but i tried to make it at home. there's more to it than they act..."

"next time i'm on a boat and it capsizes, i will reach for a lime."

"how do you feel about frilly tooth picks? i'm for 'em!"

"i have no problem not listening to the temptations...which is weird."

"germs do not go quietly."

"if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. you will fast forward the parade."

"next time you have to spell 'xylophone' use a 'z'. and if someone says.
'hey, that's wrong.'
say,
 'no, it ain't.
if you think that's wrong, you need to have your head Z-rayed!'"

"if you find yourself lost in the woods, eff* it, build a house. 'well, i was lost. but now i live here! i have severely improved my predicament!'"

"that joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny."

"when i was a boy, i laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."

"'hello, can i have a bowl of chicken noodle s'p? come on, i'm in the south, you understand. i'm in the s'th and i want some s'p!'"

"i used to do drugs. i still do, but i used to, too."

Vicodin Epiphany

being constantly entertaining isn't good for you.
sometimes you gotta be boring.
because if the time comes, when you aren't entertaining, and no one wants to be your friend,

then you will be friendless.
and still boring.

the end.

wait.

knock knock,,
who's there?
dwayne
dwayne who?
dwayne the tub i'm dwoning.

knock knock
who's there?
cadalliac.
cadalliac who?
cadalliac mean if you pull its tail.
(cat-will-act)

lawlorskates.


see that? i had to make this blog somewhat entertaining. because if not, no one will like me.
hahahah; no false. everyone loves me.

i need to not blog when im half asleep, and half drugged, and watching scary movies.

bahblhahanfnslkkkkdfiiirolmklddooo

oh, i thought i was taking valium. so i sang all the songs slim shady sings about valium.
then i come to find out i'm on vicodin. not as fun as being able to rap about valium. so i wrote a little ditty.

you thought you were on valium?
well PSYCH
you're on VIC-odin.

lawlorskates.

Boats, Stereotypes, Zombie Land

       Imagine Christianity as a boat sitting next to a dock. It sits on a lake, that can either shimmer with blue
beauty...

Or it can be a green, murky mess.

Three Types of Teenagers
    
     On-Board Christian: They have both feet on the boat. They participate in church every Sunday, they read their Bible. They are generally nice, and there's not a lot of judging going on.

     Off-Board Christian: They have both feet off the boat, whether it's on the dock, or in the water. They do whatever they want, whenever they want, pretending to be an On-Board Christian for certain authority figures in their lives.

     Halfsie-Christian: They have one foot on the boat, and one on the dock. They go to church every Sunday, sometimes choosing to participate. They do whatever they want, whenever they want UNTIL a Jesus Kick* interrupts their real desires.

Jesus Kick: When some sort of "supernatural" or other occurence takes a Halfsie-Christian to a On-Board Christian. They leave their Off-Board Christian friends in the dust.

An interesting fact about Jesus Kicks: Halfsie-Christians don't know they're on one, until it wears off.

And believe me, it always wears off.

Now, riddle me this,
When the boat starts to sail away, which way will the Halfsie-Christian lunge? If they are on a current Jesus Kick, it is most likely they will lunge back on the boat, where everything is safe.

If a Jesus Kick is absent, they will lunge toward the dock.

How many times can they do this, before they fall into the green, murky water that reaches for them?

How many times will they drop their Off-Board Christian friends, and still be able to win them back?

Now, I have no problem with On-Board Christians.

Nor do I have any issues with Off-Board Christians.

Halfsie-Christians are the ones that simply... need to nut up or shut up.*

On-Board Christians will take you back as many times as you ask.

Off-Board Christians... won't.

Because and Off-Board Christian can see right through your facade.

#1. They will no longer trust you.
#2. They know in about 3 months or so, you will screw them over again.

Religion's a blast and a half, ain't it?


If anything in the post reminded you of yourself: Congratulations. Hopefully you will see that I am brilliant, and that you should give me money. And presents.

But...if the Halfsie-Christian stereotype reminded you of yourself...

Please, for the love of Pete, don't speak to me about this post.

Don't speak to me at all.



**"Nut up or shut up."--Zombie Land Do something about it, or shut yo mouth.

Tired and Bitter...Enjoy

Dear Girls Who Just Got Your Braces Off,
We get it. Stop taking so many webcam pictures. They're just teeth.

Dear Snow,
I like you, but only as a friend. It's not me, it's you. You're freaking cold.

Dear Dementors,
You're not helping the melting of the snow. Sirius isn't around. You can go back to Azkaban.

Dear any Youtube video at 0:00 press left then press up,
Thank you.

Dear Unknown Caller That Has Called Me 6 Times,
GTFO.

Dear Knock Knock Jokes,
Just like Justin Timberlake, I'm bring you back, sexy.

That last one made no sense.

Dear Kool-Aid,
Mystery powder, a big man breaking things and being way over excited...are you sure you are not Kool-Krack?

Oh, yeah.

Dear Michael Jackson,
Sucks being a pedophile in hell, doesn't it?

Good heavens. Sorry about that last one. Except not at all.

Dear Tequila,
YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Dear Emily,
Hypocrite, you've never had tequila...

Dear Girl Who Like To Make Youtube Channels,
Get back in the kitchen.

Dear Girl Who Makes Sexist Jokes About Women,
Emily, you are so dumb.

Dear Gingers,
Ha! Suckers.

Dear Harry Potter in the 2nd Movie,
YO! SPOILER ALERT. Scabbers in the guy who killed you parents, practically. KILL HIM

Dear Society,
Sorry, Snooki was meant to be put in the trash pile. I guess that's the same as Jersey.
Sincerely, Oompa Loompas.

Dear Twitter,
Why? I just...Why?

Dear Emily,
You tard nugget, you have a twitter.


Dear Old Emily That Used To Be Able To Quote Things and Be Funny,
It's not funny anymore.

Dear Emily Still Saying Dear,
That's not funny either.


Funny Fail
Check out Unfriendable.com. It will make you, like, lol... furreallz.

Happy?

Samuel Quaid Chapman is real cool. :)

Conclusions

All Emo kids know each other.

All Homeschooled kids know each other.

Wanna know how I know that?
I spend my time facebook stalking my homeschooled and emo friends MUTUAL friends, instead of making my OWN friends.

All facebook stalkers have dumb conclusions.

Funny quotes that may or may not be from me:

"My dad told me that most comedians have had terrible life situations, and that is why they are so funny. And since my life is fairly good, I might have trouble being a good comedian. So, I killed him."

I dread the days when I liked Twilight. Face palm. -_-

Oh, the places you'll go

Chiefs Game.

A few things:

#1. It is perfectly okay to scream at the top of your lungs. No one cares. Even if you're making ridiculous noises like a cow, or Eminem, no one cares.
#2. If you use crude language, or lewd behavior you can risk expulsion from the stadium.
#3.Cheerleaders told us that, but I think their outfits were lewd enough to risk expulsion. Very hoe bag.
#4. Without realizing it...I was "Cheesed".

• STORY TIME

Imagine me, sitting in my peacoat, trying to stay warm. I am watching Matt Cassel become a Raider Sandwich with extra suck. When all of the sudden, I hear a shriek.

"OH NO!"

I turn around. Chips. Orange Goop (I refuse to call it cheese). All over the concrete floor.

Now, this makes me laugh. Because...come on. This lady just dropped $8 nachos.

I'm not sure if it was my rude outburst, or if she was just the most inconsiderate person in the world...BUT...My sister looks at my back, and there is a big glob of orange goop.

Not only did this lady refrain of letting me know she just "cheesed" me, she continued to stare at her mess, without cleaning it up.

How hard is it to run to the bathroom, and grab paper towels?

Also, how hard is it to tell a fellow Chiefs fan that you just CHEESED them?

Ten minutes later, an Arrow Head staff member had to come clean it up.
Seriously?

I didn't have the heart to ask him to wipe my coat off with his wet shammy.

Instead, I asked him to have it dry-cleaned, pressed, and returned before half-time.

• PUN OF THE DAY 

There was a sign in the lawn at the Drug Rehab center that read, "Keep Off the Grass".

And as promised...

• FAIL

Don't expect another post for a while.
School starts on Wednesday.


^That's what I feel on the inside.

Tootles.

This should be fun.

My new years resolution? To dedicate this blog to hilarity. No more epiphanys. No more helpful insights. It's funny from here on out.

Get excited.

It will include:
Puns.
Funny Things In the Life of Emily
Quotes
Awkward Moments
AND
Fail Blog Pictures.

Oh, yeah.

2011 Blog is gonna rock.