mitch hedberg, happy early birthday.
"i think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and i wouldn't even care. i can't imagine five years from now sayin, 'dang*, remember sesame seeds? what happened? all the buns are blank!'"
"i saw this wino, he was eating grapes. and i was like, 'dude, you have to wait.'"
"they say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but i tried to make it at home. there's more to it than they act..."
"next time i'm on a boat and it capsizes, i will reach for a lime."
"how do you feel about frilly tooth picks? i'm for 'em!"
"i have no problem not listening to the temptations...which is weird."
"germs do not go quietly."
"next time you have to spell 'xylophone' use a 'z'. and if someone says.
'hey, that's wrong.'
'no, it ain't.
if you think that's wrong, you need to have your head Z-rayed!'"
"if you find yourself lost in the woods, eff* it, build a house. 'well, i was lost. but now i live here! i have severely improved my predicament!'"
"when i was a boy, i laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."