a genius

mitch hedberg, happy early birthday.

"i think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and i wouldn't even care. i can't imagine five years from now sayin, 'dang*, remember sesame seeds? what happened? all the buns are blank!'"

"but i got to smoke fake pot with peter frampton, that's a cool story. it's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like peter frampton. i've done that waay more."

"i saw this wino, he was eating grapes. and i was like, 'dude, you have to wait.'"

"mr. pibb is a replica of dr. pepper, but its the bullcrap* replica, cuz the dude didn't even get his degree! why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?"

"they say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but i tried to make it at home. there's more to it than they act..."

"next time i'm on a boat and it capsizes, i will reach for a lime."

"how do you feel about frilly tooth picks? i'm for 'em!"

"i have no problem not listening to the temptations...which is weird."

"germs do not go quietly."

"if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. you will fast forward the parade."

"next time you have to spell 'xylophone' use a 'z'. and if someone says.
'hey, that's wrong.'
say,
 'no, it ain't.
if you think that's wrong, you need to have your head Z-rayed!'"

"if you find yourself lost in the woods, eff* it, build a house. 'well, i was lost. but now i live here! i have severely improved my predicament!'"

"that joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny."

"when i was a boy, i laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."

"'hello, can i have a bowl of chicken noodle s'p? come on, i'm in the south, you understand. i'm in the s'th and i want some s'p!'"

"i used to do drugs. i still do, but i used to, too."