a genius

mitch hedberg, happy early birthday.

"i think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and i wouldn't even care. i can't imagine five years from now sayin, 'dang*, remember sesame seeds? what happened? all the buns are blank!'"

"but i got to smoke fake pot with peter frampton, that's a cool story. it's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like peter frampton. i've done that waay more."

"i saw this wino, he was eating grapes. and i was like, 'dude, you have to wait.'"

"mr. pibb is a replica of dr. pepper, but its the bullcrap* replica, cuz the dude didn't even get his degree! why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?"

"they say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, but i tried to make it at home. there's more to it than they act..."

"next time i'm on a boat and it capsizes, i will reach for a lime."

"how do you feel about frilly tooth picks? i'm for 'em!"

"i have no problem not listening to the temptations...which is weird."

"germs do not go quietly."

"if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. you will fast forward the parade."

"next time you have to spell 'xylophone' use a 'z'. and if someone says.
'hey, that's wrong.'
say,
 'no, it ain't.
if you think that's wrong, you need to have your head Z-rayed!'"

"if you find yourself lost in the woods, eff* it, build a house. 'well, i was lost. but now i live here! i have severely improved my predicament!'"

"that joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny."

"when i was a boy, i laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."

"'hello, can i have a bowl of chicken noodle s'p? come on, i'm in the south, you understand. i'm in the s'th and i want some s'p!'"

"i used to do drugs. i still do, but i used to, too."

Vicodin Epiphany

being constantly entertaining isn't good for you.
sometimes you gotta be boring.
because if the time comes, when you aren't entertaining, and no one wants to be your friend,

then you will be friendless.
and still boring.

the end.

wait.

knock knock,,
who's there?
dwayne
dwayne who?
dwayne the tub i'm dwoning.

knock knock
who's there?
cadalliac.
cadalliac who?
cadalliac mean if you pull its tail.
(cat-will-act)

lawlorskates.


see that? i had to make this blog somewhat entertaining. because if not, no one will like me.
hahahah; no false. everyone loves me.

i need to not blog when im half asleep, and half drugged, and watching scary movies.

bahblhahanfnslkkkkdfiiirolmklddooo

oh, i thought i was taking valium. so i sang all the songs slim shady sings about valium.
then i come to find out i'm on vicodin. not as fun as being able to rap about valium. so i wrote a little ditty.

you thought you were on valium?
well PSYCH
you're on VIC-odin.

lawlorskates.

Boats, Stereotypes, Zombie Land

       Imagine Christianity as a boat sitting next to a dock. It sits on a lake, that can either shimmer with blue
beauty...

Or it can be a green, murky mess.

Three Types of Teenagers
    
     On-Board Christian: They have both feet on the boat. They participate in church every Sunday, they read their Bible. They are generally nice, and there's not a lot of judging going on.

     Off-Board Christian: They have both feet off the boat, whether it's on the dock, or in the water. They do whatever they want, whenever they want, pretending to be an On-Board Christian for certain authority figures in their lives.

     Halfsie-Christian: They have one foot on the boat, and one on the dock. They go to church every Sunday, sometimes choosing to participate. They do whatever they want, whenever they want UNTIL a Jesus Kick* interrupts their real desires.

Jesus Kick: When some sort of "supernatural" or other occurence takes a Halfsie-Christian to a On-Board Christian. They leave their Off-Board Christian friends in the dust.

An interesting fact about Jesus Kicks: Halfsie-Christians don't know they're on one, until it wears off.

And believe me, it always wears off.

Now, riddle me this,
When the boat starts to sail away, which way will the Halfsie-Christian lunge? If they are on a current Jesus Kick, it is most likely they will lunge back on the boat, where everything is safe.

If a Jesus Kick is absent, they will lunge toward the dock.

How many times can they do this, before they fall into the green, murky water that reaches for them?

How many times will they drop their Off-Board Christian friends, and still be able to win them back?

Now, I have no problem with On-Board Christians.

Nor do I have any issues with Off-Board Christians.

Halfsie-Christians are the ones that simply... need to nut up or shut up.*

On-Board Christians will take you back as many times as you ask.

Off-Board Christians... won't.

Because and Off-Board Christian can see right through your facade.

#1. They will no longer trust you.
#2. They know in about 3 months or so, you will screw them over again.

Religion's a blast and a half, ain't it?


If anything in the post reminded you of yourself: Congratulations. Hopefully you will see that I am brilliant, and that you should give me money. And presents.

But...if the Halfsie-Christian stereotype reminded you of yourself...

Please, for the love of Pete, don't speak to me about this post.

Don't speak to me at all.



**"Nut up or shut up."--Zombie Land Do something about it, or shut yo mouth.